Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Boxer Isn't Really About Boxing.

What's up, Daniel Day-Lewis?

I watched your movie The Boxer today, and I had a hard time believing that you were thirty-two in it. This could have been because your haircut was atrocious and I couldn't stop looking at Emily Watson's chronic case of mom-jeans and Canadian tuxedo. God, I hate Canada so much I don't even want to capitalize it. Is that bad? What do you care. This movie's about Ireland. And "The Troubles" which seem less like troubles and more like assholes blowing each other up because they're pissed about this whole Catholic/Protestant thing. That's not trouble. That's A Situation. You guys had a serious Situation going on over there, didn't you.

I love Jim Sheridan in theory because he seems like an OG of Irish filmmaking who isn't Ken Loach. Don't get me wrong, Ken Loach is a pimp player too, but Jim Sheridan just seems more approachable. I mean, come on. He made Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Yes really. Don't believe me? IMDB it. Here, I'll do it for you: 50 Cent starred in this thing.

Daniel, can I call you Dan? This movie wasn't my favorite of yours. Let's be honest. In comparison to There Will Be Blood, this movie looks like small potatoes. I know you trained for three years to look like a boxer and I really appreciated watching you brutally pulverize cocky jerks. But come on. Jim Sheridan's writing could have done a little more for me. Also, the score was tough to listen to. The strings were a little too weepy, and from the prolific use of U2 in his latest film, Brothers, I can't say he's come very far.

Also, your haircut was stupid. It looked like you wore a helmet that didn't cover your entire head and then let someone shave around it. Is that how they do it in Irish prison? All of y'all looking like members of some broke-ass New Edition. There were also a ton of mustaches in this movie. A ton. And Brian Cox was terrifyingly doughy, did I mention that? Though, he gets props for this:

When I was done with your movie, I promptly made a batch of killer chocolate chip cookies and proceeded to flush all the gratuitous baseball bat related violence out of my head with Judge Judy. I feel like if she saw this movie, she'd be pissed about all the abuses of the judicial system taking place. Then again, her specialty is family court so what do I know?

So, Dan. Next, I think I might take on The Age of Innocence. Should I read the book first? I've never read any Edith Wharton and I'm a sucker for a period romance. Look at this:

Ch'yeah. That'll be next.

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